Baseball: Things Change

I played baseball for as long as I can remember. I was a left-handed pitcher, and it was something I was decently good at, you could say. Pitching was something that gave me self-confidence because other people such as coaches, teammates, parents, and players saw some type of talent in me. I've always lacked in the confidence category, but pitching cleared that. It came natural to me, and ultimately cleared my mind. All I had to do was focus on the batter, catcher, and umpire.

I had always wanted to play college baseball, and to me it didn't matter at what level. I would have been content anywhere as long as I was getting to play baseball. When I got into my freshman year of baseball, I was so excited. I had watched my high school team before win regionals to get down state, and I wanted to do the same thing. Freshman year wasn't anything special in high school, as I stayed on junior varsity throughout the year. I played legion baseball in the summer, and to begin I played with the 15 and under team. When our season ended, I was told I was going to play for the varsity team which was 19 and under. I was ecstatic for the opportunity, although I saw minimal innings, rightfully so.

My sophomore year for high school, I started the first game on the mound for varsity. We lost the game, but others told me I did well. Those were the things that helped my self-confidence. We weren't the best team that year, and we were definitely young. We made it to regionals, and I was given the ball on an elimination game for us. I threw multiple innings of no-hit baseball, but bunting and errors didn't help us and we lost. I was devastated, but I knew this team was only going to get better with time.

Sophomore year of legion baseball was my best year of baseball, without a doubt-- little did I know it would be my last full year. I logged a lot of innings for the varsity team, and in the state tournament I was given the ball in the state semifinals. It was against a team that contained most of the same kids that beat us in high school ball. I didn't throw my best game there, but I threw long and well enough for the offense and team to scrap and win. After that, I was told a college coach wanted to talk to me and another player. Beyond that one, I talked to multiple other coaches about playing in college. Anyways, we won the state championship that summer. Those two teams and summers were the most fun I ever had playing baseball. Everything from the coaches to the players to the fans, it was an absolute blast.

Junior year of every sport is typically the biggest year for recruitment if an athlete wanted to play in college. I was excited for this year. I had finally been lifting consistently, our high school team saw high expectations, and the team was so close as a group. Although even before the season even started, I was experiencing elbow issues. I thought maybe it was me over working myself, and so I just took some time off. I went and saw someone, and was told I had a pinched nerve that stems from my scapula area and shoots all the way down my left arm. I took some time off, and tried to get back into throwing. It was a little bit of a struggle throwing because it always bothered me, and I think it got into my head.

Then on a Saturday doubleheader, I got to hit. I never hit. Hitting was not my best, and you could probably put a toddler in and they will have a better chance at getting a hit. We were winning by a lot, so our coach let me hit. I was absolutely going to go up there and swing for the fences. The first swing I took, I felt a burning sensation shoot down my arm. I knew in the back of my head that something wasn't right. Fast forward a couple of weeks, I went to see a doctor and they told me it was a sprained shoulder. I was told to either sit out the year and let it heal, or take a cortisone shot. I opted for the cortisone shot because I wanted to play.

I told my coach and we both agreed to take it easy and maybe use me in a playoff game if necessary. I was completely content with it. I got to sit there and watch the game I love, while watching my best friends play about every day, and win almost every game. That team was so fun to be around and close. Nonetheless, we made it to the state championship game. We were the first team from our school to ever do it. We beat the defending state champions and they threw a West Virginia University commit. It had to have been the best game I have ever watched. Although, we did throw our top two pitchers that game. Except then, you do anything you can do to win. After the game we soaked it all in. Afterwards, there were talks about throwing me in the championship game, but everyone had time to think because we had a day off.

The day before the championship game, I was told that I would be starting. Oh my lord, what? I hadn't thrown since the middle of April and now I'm starting the championship game. I was pretty nervous, as anyone should be. But it meant so much to me that the coaches still had faith in me. We played a team with three division one commits, and it was a disaster for me. My arm still felt pain throwing on the cortisone shot. I didn't even last two innings, and we lost. I felt sick to my stomach. I let down my teammates, coaches, and the community. I felt especially for our head coach since it was his last game ever coaching.

Summer ball comes around, and I threw in two games. I threw with so much pain and discomfort, too. The last game I threw, I knew it was the end. I threw two innings, and I'll always remember this moment...The last pitch I threw was a two-seam fastball high and away. My go-to out pitch. I struck the kid out, and as soon as I went to the dugout I told our coach, "I can't keep throwing". I told him the pain in my shoulder was unbelievable. He did everything he could to help me, and got me in with an orthopedic surgeon within days. I got an MRI shortly after my first visit, and then I found out I had a torn posterior labrum with frayed tissue. Wow. I was devastated.

The whole recovery after surgery was awful. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't play baseball. I was always down in the dumps. I was just so devastated about everything that had happened, but I sure did try my hardest to get back. I was working with a great physical therapist, and I thank him so much for everything he did. He helped me out physically, and assured me I would be back to my original form. Senior year rolls around and me and the new coaches of our high school team agreed to take it easy and to not rush back. They said they wanted to see me throw in college. At the time, I completely agreed with it. I still respect them for wanting to protect me, but I started to get frustrated within myself. I just wanted to play and pitch again. I was completely cleared in January, and was even told to start throwing in October. I didn't throw for a while. When I did, it didn't feel right. A lot of it was a headcase, and some of it was sitting around too long. I only got to throw in one game, and I didn't even finish the inning. It hurt. I didn't even get to log one inning. Of course I struggled, it had almost been a full year since I threw in a game.

I asked my therapist if I could come in again and try to get back to myself. He took me in without hesitation, so I did my second session of rehab for a couple weeks. It started to help a little bit, and I was getting more comfortable. My summer ball coach told me I was going to get to throw the first game of the summer, and that I would be logging a lot of innings for the team. I was getting self-confidence back and was getting reassurance. Then, it all changed again. I was told I would only get three opportunities to throw and show what I have before they had to make a decision on whether or not to keep me or not.

I didn't throw terrible the first couple times, but the last game I threw was bad. I threw the waste innings of it and I knew it was my last chance. It was horrible to say the least. A couple days later, I got a call to come up and talk to two of the coaches. They said they were going to have to cut me from the roster. They said I could have stayed on until the state tournament, and that they would even take up a "coaching" spot for me so I could be with the team. They knew and understood what I went through. They knew how much the game meant to me. But out of frustation, I threw it all away. I told them I was going to walk away from baseball. I had been pushed away by so many people, I had honestly been hurt.

I ended up finding closure with everyone's decision. Was I upset in the moment? Yes, of course. I ended up looking at everything as a business decision. No one was trying to hurt me, they did what was best for the team, but still understood what was going on with me. I still wanted to play in college. I took about two more months off before I picked up a ball. In August I started to throw every day. My arm hadn't felt that good in a long time. Then, a college coach asked me if I was still interested in playing. I told him yes. I still wanted to try to play. I thought maybe the third time is the charm, but there were other plans in the making. After about two weeks of throwing, I took some time off. The soreness and irritation I had was unreal. I came to the realization that I couldn't keep playing. My arm couldn't do another four years, and my heart had drifted away from baseball. I still love to watch it and be around it. I just have a minimum desire to play right now. My heart isn't where it once was with baseball, and it sucks. I tried so hard to get back, but in the midst of everything, I felt like I was being pushed away at the same time. It sucks so bad. I just wish my arm would allow me to play again, and my desire would come back.